Ivo-lution

Mamihlapinatapai

“Mamihlapinatapai: A look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start.”

I find it hard to stop myself from asking if you are happy.

I see the cold between us and the sorrow in your eyes; in your smile.

I wonder if you have regrets for past mistakes.

For bad experiences that left you with a sour taste.

That same smile that tries to disguise all the pain, but I see it.

And I want nothing more than to touch you and see that that pain is defeated.

For you to feel a connection again and relight the fire you so desire.

To stop the thoughts enough for you to breathe fresh air again.

A new memory to help turn the page so that you do not become another Marilyn.

But your defenses fend off my approach; from asking the questions I so seek answers to.

I cannot explain why I care to notice or why I want to help you through it.

Maybe, it is because I have felt the pain and know it doesn’t have to consume the light within you.

That the world out there has the cure to all the pains.

You close yourself off to the possibility of new happiness because it comes with risk and change.

You are seeking the perfect situation, the perfect man, to rescue you from the abyss of your own recollection.

I am not perfect, I come with flaws, but I can help you see the beauty in loving imperfection.

I am open, and have all the intention of being what you need for the time being.

To let you know you are not alone when you want to share that laughter or that feeling.

And when you feel strong again you can leave, never to see me again, if you so desire.

Or you can decide to stay and continue to rebuild your present, so that you can once again envision a brighter future.

Whatever you seek I accept. Because for this moment, I just want to be under the light alongside you.   

Time

It has been quite a while since I have posted and I think it was a much needed hiatus to think and get my life in order. However, I have recently begun to feel the need to write more and more. Writing has always been my form of expression and allows me to organize the millions of jumbled thoughts running in my head; this blog is somewhat of a filing cabinet for me.

In entirety, the past 6 months have truly been a blessing in disguise, however, it is still difficult at times to keep in perspective that growth takes time…as does success. Unfortunately, I am harder on myself than anyone else, which doesn’t make the gradual growth process easy. In result, this time in Tampa has thrown me for a loop in many more ways than one and I have had to really come back down to Earth and reconnect with myself. Truth be told, I wasn’t facing reality for a while there…I became comfortable and lost that hunger that got me to where I am today.

I have always believed that the struggles my mother faced in her life served me so well in that they gave me the added motivation to strive for more. Hardship is the best fuel for success if you can channel it in the right way. Somewhere after graduation, with the guarantee of a good job locked in, the path became blurry and I lost my way. In addition, the difficulties I faced in my sales position really knocked my confidence and it seemed like a snowball effect followed. I just didn’t feel certain in things I had always been certain of. Whereas I had always been surrounded by a great support system to lean on when things got difficult, I had now to look within for that added push. The support system is still there, but it is has a different impact when geographical distance is involved.

When I made the choice to leave my home in Los Angeles to take a job with Nestle in Tampa, FL I really didn’t expect I’d have to face so many obstacles in such a short period of time. Graduating college, I felt as if the hardest challenges were behind me; as if I had reached the top of the climb. Boy was I wrong. When they say college are the best times of your life, it’s exactly because your college years are some of the easiest times of your life. It is when step outside those campus gates and face the realities of job hunting, paying bills, the pressures of a corporate job, and the unstructured format to meet people that you realize how much work it actually takes to build a life for yourself.

Overall, I couldn’t be happier that I made this decision because I am living a real existence of real issues and getting closer to my core everyday. I just hope to halt my frustration and embrace the struggle. This will be the time I can look back on and smile upon…the time I grew to be the man I always desired to be.

My Slam Poetry Journey

I have decided to embark on a performance journey in Slam Poetry here in Tampa. In my dazed mentality early this morning I put my first thoughts to paper. And voila, my first poem.

I will upload an audio file of me performing it, at home to start…will check out the local poetry slam here in Tampa this upcoming week. Baby steps.